Ok, so I've been questioning things, many things and what totally pisses me off is that when I do so people begin assuming that I'm out to get them. So now because of my last journal entry I'm being attacked on a public forum. How in the hell can he do this to me? "I love you baby,' Yeah well bullshit! My anger would have rolled over by the time we'd gone to bed but he decides that our writing forum is the place to air our dirty laundry so to speak. In his post he semi apologizes for being mean but the apology is irrelevant and hurtful, only adding salt into my wounds. I don't know why I'm taking this so hard but it hurts more than anything that he felt it necessary to post there. I mean how hard is to to write in a semi public blog instead somewhere where its right in front of the faces of people we work with on a daily basis. He might as well just slap me in the face in the middle of a crowded street corner. So now I have to think harder about things. About whether I want to go through this again over and over again each time we get angry at each other or stop it now.

I have a few questions that I want to send out into the universe if only to get them off my mind. Is it against the law to want someone, the person you think is closest to you to be more spontaneous? How about a little less repetitiveness and little more action? Why is it that women are completely and continuously disappointed in the ability for a man to pick up on signals? Do we really have to tell them every time we want to feel a little more than just someone they love sometimes? Life for the last couple years hasn't been perfect but for me its been easier then previous years when I was working overtime just to make a dime. But I just can't understand how someone who claims to know you constantly shows you that they don't? Do you know me or not? Seriously. I guess I'll have to wait to understand the 'what ifs' of life. Hell at this rate maybe I will never know.

If you haven't been to the Scribbles Forums lately, you probably don't know what a wonderful place it is. It is doing well, with an incredible and active member base. We assigned our first two moderators, and are very proud of this. It means we are expanding and growing and what more can we ask for? Not much I tell ya!

Well because I left staff at Fool Moon I decided I didn't really deserve to use their server for my homepage. So here I am again moving house. It is hard work but I'm getting there. Make sure to check back, I'm sure there will be more soon. *wipe brow* Keep on keeping on.

I'm so very confused. I've been hurt before, and it always seems to come back. Now I'm taking it from you. Although I know you don't mean it, although I've been blinded by my feelings, something of me, doesn't want to let go of you. There got to be something more out there. Something warm, and undemanding, and will make me smile. Something that will allow me to sleep at night not worrying whether or not our love will fall apart by the time I reopen my eyes to the brightness of the sun. Something that will help me move on with my life without each second worrying that I've done something wrong, and in need of reassurance. Something that is unconditional in truth, honesty, and the communication will not be broken by the beat of a heart that's closer to you at that very second. As I look to my past, and finally I don't dwell, you helped me with that, but it seems history is repeating itself. I have been dealing with these last few relationships better than ever, yes we do learn from our mistakes, but  at what cost. Because I smile on the outside, my heart is crying out now to anyone who would listen, and in all honesty I know that will only lead my right back here. Torn up, and tossed aside, still waiting for that something. There's got to be something more!

Isn’t it amazing what can happen in a matter of days, minutes, seconds? He can fall out of love just as quickly as it began, and not want to break your heart, but do it anyway. Only cause she’s there in that moment. She’s there with open arms, and a tattered heart. He just wants to help her, to take away her pain, but not realizing his efforts accompany another heartache. It’s too late now. He helped one, and broke the other. Then he becomes aware of what he’s done, and begins the battle. A battle of whether or not he should tell you, for if he does, he’d be bound by the guilt of your heartbreak. What he doesn’t know is that you know. There are eyes everywhere, you knew the second he forgot, and gave in. When he decides not to tell you, he thinks he’s safe, for only a brief second. He’s fine, you are fine, but that’s only what he thinks. You wait patiently for his lies. His guilt of her, and you, and her, and you. The battle continues. She disappears, for she was only using him, she was jealous of what you had, and wanted desperately to disconnect you two. So now what are you going to do? Let him continue his battle of guilt, and go on loving you? You are finally content with your past, and then moments of weakness crawl back into the unforgotten heartache that you two share. You want to go on blind, let him love you like you want to be loved. He wants to love you like that too, but he also wants to stop the battle of guilt of his mistake. It’s not a mistake, he forgot, and gave in, but you know that already.

You can see nothing but the years passing by, and you know that life is waiting just around the corner, but you still choose to go on blinded by the lies, blinded by your love of him, or lack there of. Can you move on without seeing through to his soul. The crimson blood of lies accompanied by the heartache of just that one second when he forgot. You were smart enough to know not to depend on anyone for anything, but still you want to depend on him for the love, for the lust, for the physical treat that he so ample gave away to another at one point, after he pledged his life to you. Sometimes you can’t take the fact that you know, but then he does something commercial, like flowers, or tender kisses, and you allow your heart to melt. To melt back to before he forgot. How long can this last? In the second after he forgot, your heart broke, but you glued it back together quickly so he wouldn’t see it. Let him be blinded. Your story is like so many others. He gave in, you gave in. Is this compromise? You both have had trouble sleeping, tossing and turning, skin touching. You see him, he sees the both of you. Something is missing. You are not sure what that is. You know what it is, but you don’t want to admit it. You are wrong. He loves you, but forgot in that brief second, trying to help another. Forever is never enough. He was wrong. You are wrong. The battle continues.

He’s the best you’ve ever had. He treats you well when he’s not off forgetting what you wished he’d never forgotten. Nothing’s quite the same. Never will be. It’s not so bad, you both are blinded, with hope that this stumble will make you stronger, and in the end you will be holding hands in the promise land. What is the promise land anyway? Is there such a place? You make yourself feel better, hoping that he won’t see what he’s done to you, what you’ve allowed him to do to you. The elaborate lies of deception and heartache. Your memories of before, have taken you back into the life of what could have been, if only he hadn’t forgotten. Now you are again living in the past, putting on a brave front. Holding on to the warmth of what was. But you both will move through blinded, and broken. Silently he prepares to love on you constantly, and silently you want him to, but you think he thinks of another. The heat is unbearable sometimes, but that’s just the physical, and has nothing to do with the love of what you had before you allowed him to forget. If your heart isn’t ready to lay down with his, then there is no forever. You hope that your blinded love is enough to make it through. His battle continues as the years pass by, and this is your battle!

Sometimes our lives are so busy that we treat our homes as if they were impersonal places that we merely pass through or allow to pass through us. But we can make certain that our homes truly feel like our sanctuaries by taking the time to tend to them like gardens, which need care in order to offer us the beauty of their blooms. When we take the time to treat our homes like beloved treasures, we can shift their energy from being merely places to being wellsprings for the replenishment of our energy.

Consider that homes are the outer reflections of those who live within. If we feel that the current appearance clashes with how we’d like to see ourselves, it can keep us from fully allowing our light to shine. Updating our homes to reflect our inner landscape need not involve massive redecorating or a large outlay of money. Small things can make a big difference, like simply moving items so that we constantly gaze upon the things we love the most, liberating the treasures we’ve hidden in our closets, using our best dishes and making small repairs. Organizing and cleaning is a no-cost way to remove chaos from our homes and introduce more calm. Lovingly rejuvenating our personal space can become a creative project that increases the flow of good throughout all aspects of our lives and increases our feeling of connection. We can give old things new life by donating them to charity, opening space for newness to enter. Removing stress from our homes can be as simple as putting o! ur bills into pretty boxes and choosing a specific time to deal with them, or removing clutter so that we and our energy can move freely throughout our space.

Simplifying our space lets our imagination and energy roam free. We can choose to prioritize our homes, making them the true heart of our family’s activities. Then we are free to focus on what really matters; time to ourselves, to share with loved ones, and to replenish our energy so that we have more to share with each other and with the world.

And so the story continues...

One person threatens my life or tells me someone else did rather and I'm suppose to sit idly by and take it. Fuck that! We are suppose to be like family and you want to 'fry my ass'. Not only do I find this racist but I'm so dissappointed that nothing was done about it. Talk all you want; you can't do shit to me with a keyboard but the principle of the matter is 'don't fucking play games with me'. I don't appreciate it and I expect the same respect I give you. I also expected something more to be done about it. Obviously bridges have been built to some but not all. I guess I just have to wait my turn or take it. Maybe they are trying to toughen me up? Who knows? I sure as hell don't. 

Lets move on shall we. 'He', yeah you know who I'm talking about is ... (I'm not even going to bother talking about it)

I'm going to try and erase this from my mind. We will see what happens. 

Well what a eventful evening we had last night. Juju did her first game. She was so very nervous but she did a wonderful job. We worked with her earlier in the day. Unfortunately not a lot of people showed up but those who count as friends and collegues did and that is important. Hell she had more people in her show then I've had in a long time. It's nothing new; most of the poeple I believed to be my friends turned out to be nothing but backstabbing pricks!

Before the game however; drama charged Fool Moon with a post declaring hatred. Name calling and cursing the great people of Fool Moon. How utterly stupid and childish. But hey if they want to follow the lying backstabbers; be my guest. Please proceed to the nearest exit you simple, unintelligent, immature people. In all honesty it makes me think I myself am crazy for thinking they were actually good people. My bad. Silly me. I'm back on the ground now, and I'm laughing at all this incredible bullshit occuring. 

And in all honesty it makes them and their site look so horribly bad. It is almost like they sent these people over to Fool Moon because at the same time the members who were not banned from FM were going around the boards probably laughing their ass off. It died down quickly because hey jerks don't live that long, I guess. Lets extinguish the stupidity please.  Shows how much so called adults can make a fool of themselves in a short amount of time. 15 minutes of fame isn't worth it; in my opinion. 

Now we move on ... they can't hold us back! 

You've probably heard of tai chi, the graceful Chinese physical exercise that has grown popular in the West in recent years. Perhaps you've even seen people practicing its slow, flowing movements in a class or a nearby park. What you may not know is that research has uncovered all kinds of benefits that are gained by people who practice tai chi. Why not give this gentle but strengthening art form a try? Almost anyone can do tai chi. Its movements are simple yet very effective — studies have found that practicing tai chi reduces stress; improves balance and coordination; increases flexibility, ease of motion, and strength; improves body awareness; burns calories; and enhances mental well-being. (That's some list!)

Tai chi movements are performed in a low, almost squatting position that helps strengthen the back and improve posture. Another important element of the practice is to breathe in a slow, controlled fashion — not unlike the breathing you do during meditation or yoga. Together, these elements make practicing tai chi a good way to wind down at the end of a long day.

So where can you learn tai chi? Many health clubs, gyms, and YMCAs offer classes. Even if you usually shy away from exercise classes, you may want to try tai chi, since the classes are slower-paced and noncompetitive. Alternatively, you can find tai chi videos that will lead you through the movements. -EK