Over the last few days I've been weighing the options of my personal relationship. I love him, there isn't any doubt about that. The decision I need to make is, do I really want to be in a relationship. I'm not so sure I want to be in a relationship at all. But does love outweigh the fact that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with? He needs to know what is going on because if my decision is 'it's over' things are only getting worst by the minute. I love him and I know I love him and I believe he knows I love him. On the other hand I don't want to feel like its over every time we fight, I don't want to be the one to pull away and I don't want to be the one to concede when we fight. Its a tough enough situation and I don't need to make it more difficult by thinking to hard which is what I do. There are so many factors in determining a great relationship, ours fall in to that category and thats a plus. But when we fight we fight and I am usually the one thinking things over while the only thing he is thinking about is 'he doesn't want to lose me'. I don't want that power over someones heart; its too much to handle and I don't have the mindset to do that. Life is hard yes but love should be easy right? So what is my decision? The million dollar question but I don't even have a dime to my name. I love him and that should be enough to get us through this. At least I hope so. Somethings in life are made for each other, like U&Me, I love you baby!

I took a nap this afternoon. It felt great but I woke up feeling just the same as I'd done beforehand. Why? Well because what they say is true. The people closest to you hurt you the most. I'm still thinking things over and don't really know what to do or how to handle this one. We've fought before but thats the point. I'm so sick of it. When we fight we always have a big fight. We don't fight as often as most couples do but damn when we fight. I'm still tired and I'm still totally pissed off.

Ok, so I've been questioning things, many things and what totally pisses me off is that when I do so people begin assuming that I'm out to get them. So now because of my last journal entry I'm being attacked on a public forum. How in the hell can he do this to me? "I love you baby,' Yeah well bullshit! My anger would have rolled over by the time we'd gone to bed but he decides that our writing forum is the place to air our dirty laundry so to speak. In his post he semi apologizes for being mean but the apology is irrelevant and hurtful, only adding salt into my wounds. I don't know why I'm taking this so hard but it hurts more than anything that he felt it necessary to post there. I mean how hard is to to write in a semi public blog instead somewhere where its right in front of the faces of people we work with on a daily basis. He might as well just slap me in the face in the middle of a crowded street corner. So now I have to think harder about things. About whether I want to go through this again over and over again each time we get angry at each other or stop it now.

I have a few questions that I want to send out into the universe if only to get them off my mind. Is it against the law to want someone, the person you think is closest to you to be more spontaneous? How about a little less repetitiveness and little more action? Why is it that women are completely and continuously disappointed in the ability for a man to pick up on signals? Do we really have to tell them every time we want to feel a little more than just someone they love sometimes? Life for the last couple years hasn't been perfect but for me its been easier then previous years when I was working overtime just to make a dime. But I just can't understand how someone who claims to know you constantly shows you that they don't? Do you know me or not? Seriously. I guess I'll have to wait to understand the 'what ifs' of life. Hell at this rate maybe I will never know.

If you haven't been to the Scribbles Forums lately, you probably don't know what a wonderful place it is. It is doing well, with an incredible and active member base. We assigned our first two moderators, and are very proud of this. It means we are expanding and growing and what more can we ask for? Not much I tell ya!

Well because I left staff at Fool Moon I decided I didn't really deserve to use their server for my homepage. So here I am again moving house. It is hard work but I'm getting there. Make sure to check back, I'm sure there will be more soon. *wipe brow* Keep on keeping on.

I'm so very confused. I've been hurt before, and it always seems to come back. Now I'm taking it from you. Although I know you don't mean it, although I've been blinded by my feelings, something of me, doesn't want to let go of you. There got to be something more out there. Something warm, and undemanding, and will make me smile. Something that will allow me to sleep at night not worrying whether or not our love will fall apart by the time I reopen my eyes to the brightness of the sun. Something that will help me move on with my life without each second worrying that I've done something wrong, and in need of reassurance. Something that is unconditional in truth, honesty, and the communication will not be broken by the beat of a heart that's closer to you at that very second. As I look to my past, and finally I don't dwell, you helped me with that, but it seems history is repeating itself. I have been dealing with these last few relationships better than ever, yes we do learn from our mistakes, but  at what cost. Because I smile on the outside, my heart is crying out now to anyone who would listen, and in all honesty I know that will only lead my right back here. Torn up, and tossed aside, still waiting for that something. There's got to be something more!

Isn’t it amazing what can happen in a matter of days, minutes, seconds? He can fall out of love just as quickly as it began, and not want to break your heart, but do it anyway. Only cause she’s there in that moment. She’s there with open arms, and a tattered heart. He just wants to help her, to take away her pain, but not realizing his efforts accompany another heartache. It’s too late now. He helped one, and broke the other. Then he becomes aware of what he’s done, and begins the battle. A battle of whether or not he should tell you, for if he does, he’d be bound by the guilt of your heartbreak. What he doesn’t know is that you know. There are eyes everywhere, you knew the second he forgot, and gave in. When he decides not to tell you, he thinks he’s safe, for only a brief second. He’s fine, you are fine, but that’s only what he thinks. You wait patiently for his lies. His guilt of her, and you, and her, and you. The battle continues. She disappears, for she was only using him, she was jealous of what you had, and wanted desperately to disconnect you two. So now what are you going to do? Let him continue his battle of guilt, and go on loving you? You are finally content with your past, and then moments of weakness crawl back into the unforgotten heartache that you two share. You want to go on blind, let him love you like you want to be loved. He wants to love you like that too, but he also wants to stop the battle of guilt of his mistake. It’s not a mistake, he forgot, and gave in, but you know that already.

You can see nothing but the years passing by, and you know that life is waiting just around the corner, but you still choose to go on blinded by the lies, blinded by your love of him, or lack there of. Can you move on without seeing through to his soul. The crimson blood of lies accompanied by the heartache of just that one second when he forgot. You were smart enough to know not to depend on anyone for anything, but still you want to depend on him for the love, for the lust, for the physical treat that he so ample gave away to another at one point, after he pledged his life to you. Sometimes you can’t take the fact that you know, but then he does something commercial, like flowers, or tender kisses, and you allow your heart to melt. To melt back to before he forgot. How long can this last? In the second after he forgot, your heart broke, but you glued it back together quickly so he wouldn’t see it. Let him be blinded. Your story is like so many others. He gave in, you gave in. Is this compromise? You both have had trouble sleeping, tossing and turning, skin touching. You see him, he sees the both of you. Something is missing. You are not sure what that is. You know what it is, but you don’t want to admit it. You are wrong. He loves you, but forgot in that brief second, trying to help another. Forever is never enough. He was wrong. You are wrong. The battle continues.

He’s the best you’ve ever had. He treats you well when he’s not off forgetting what you wished he’d never forgotten. Nothing’s quite the same. Never will be. It’s not so bad, you both are blinded, with hope that this stumble will make you stronger, and in the end you will be holding hands in the promise land. What is the promise land anyway? Is there such a place? You make yourself feel better, hoping that he won’t see what he’s done to you, what you’ve allowed him to do to you. The elaborate lies of deception and heartache. Your memories of before, have taken you back into the life of what could have been, if only he hadn’t forgotten. Now you are again living in the past, putting on a brave front. Holding on to the warmth of what was. But you both will move through blinded, and broken. Silently he prepares to love on you constantly, and silently you want him to, but you think he thinks of another. The heat is unbearable sometimes, but that’s just the physical, and has nothing to do with the love of what you had before you allowed him to forget. If your heart isn’t ready to lay down with his, then there is no forever. You hope that your blinded love is enough to make it through. His battle continues as the years pass by, and this is your battle!